THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (PC version)
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...-
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to 'Elves'.
'Vertically Challenged' they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the Union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And Equal Employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced by four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The sleigh had no runners: cut off with a saw
'Cos the ruts were a hazard, or so said the Law.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand pipe smoke had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called 'so unenlightened.'
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolph was suing over the use of his nose;
He'd gone on a chat show, in front of the nation,
To demand a few million in compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, upped and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why he ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for Him. And nothing for Her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets... they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Bill and Monica, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No cricket, no football... someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were now sexist, and should be passť;
And Nintendo would rot your brain right away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He could not figure out what he should do next.
He tried to be merry; he tried to be gay,
But you've got to take care with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, of every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere especially you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth ...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
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